Coles Unable to Report Theft To Police Because Someone Has Also Nicked The Office Phone

Coles Geraldton has responded to accusations from WA Police Minister Reece Whitby, who claimed the supermarket giant was “failing small businesses” and not being a “good corporate citizen” by underreporting shoplifting incidents.

Coles staff say the criticism is not only unfair — it’s logistically impossible to meet. “We tried to call the cops,” said one shift manager, “but the office phone was nicked. Right off the desk. They even took the charging cradle.”

“At any given moment, we’ve got more thieves than paying customers,” said one team member, nervously watching two teens pretend to scan Monster Energy drinks under the code for brown onions.

After a lengthy taxpayer-funded luncheon involving seven varieties of miniature quiche and a suspiciously generous bar tab, the Police Minister is reported to have floated a bold new strategy to address crime in the Mid West: “What if we… hear me out… deny everything and blame the retailers?”

Sources close to the cheese platter say the Minister continued, “We could try deny, deny, and counter-accuse? Maybe imply Coles enjoys being robbed? It might buy us some time.”

The strategy appears to have made its way into the press, with a narrative now emerging that crime statistics are up not because of, say, an under-resourced police presence, but because supermarkets haven’t filled out the correct form in triplicate while being robbed in real time.

“It’s classic Geraldton logic,” said one observer. “A store gets knocked over, they do the right thing, report it, and then… nothing happens. No patrols, no follow-up, no 'have you seen this guy?' posters. Just silence and a passive-aggressive press conference three weeks later.”

“Blaming the victim is the new strategy, apparently. It’s like watching your house burn down, calling the fire brigade, and then getting yelled at for not owning a better hose.”

Coles insists efforts *have* been made to notify the police, they insist. “We sent the trolley boy down to the station once,” said one assistant manager. “He came back traumatised. Said the doors were locked and a handwritten note read: ‘Back soon – maybe.’”

“Pretty sure the front desk is only staffed between 08:15 and 08:22 on lunar Mondays,” another added.

The store has been the site of increasingly brazen thefts — one individual was spotted wheeling out a BBQ in a pram, while another tried to stuff five frozen chickens into a duffel bag and leg it past the registers yelling “Price match this!”

“The sad thing is,” said a Coles staffer, “we don’t even get the good criminals. Just the ones who think sunglasses are invisible cloaks.”

As for communication, Coles has made one final plea: “If anyone sees a Telstra cordless handset with 'Manager' written on it in Sharpie, please return it. We’d love to use it to call the cops — assuming they’re open.”

Store leadership remains open to cooperation. “We’re happy to work with police — they know where we are. But if the grand plan is to just blame the victims, we’ll just keep doing what we’re doing. Cheers.”