Council Somehow Makes Chapman Road More Cooked

Funded by an $80,000 RAC grant and not a rates hike for a change, the Chapman Road Tactical Urbanisation Pilot Project has transformed a previously two-ish lane section of the CBD into a shared urban art experiment slash obstacle course — complete with planter box trees, face-the-traffic bench seating, and enough green paint to make the road look like grass from space.

The goal, according to council, was to “turn Chapman Road into a place for people and not just cars.” Ironically, the new layout achieves neither, with cyclists, cars and pedestrians now avoiding the area completely.

“It’s just nice the council finally made Chapman Road consistently confusing all the way from the old DOT to McDonald’s,” said one local. “At least now it’s fair.”

In just two weeks, the median strip was removed, a mural was dropped on the bitumen, and the space between Cathedral Avenue and Durlacher Street was “reclaimed and activated” — which is bureaucratese for “shrunk and spray painted.” The council also added “selfie walls,” Aboriginal artwork on windows, and a family of cartoon art-loving critters hiding along the street. Quite a substantive list of things that noone asked for.

Indeed, Chapman Road continues to suffer a baffling lack of petrol stations — an issue Point Moore Press understands may soon be resolved by placing one inside a roundabout and would a been a better use of the 80 large from the RAC according to our readers.

The street’s new “serpentine” layout reduces sightlines to lower traffic speed. This means you’ll be slowing down not only for safety — but also because you have no idea where the road goes. Many have embraced this opportunity to pull over and sit on one of the new benches, bravely installed just inches from the traffic lane for that immersive exhaust fume experience.

According to the City, the whole thing is a 12-month trial and can be undone if it doesn’t work. “That’s the beauty of tactical urbanism,” said a spokesperson. “It’s temporary, confusing, and you’ll never know if it’s finished.” It has already been removed with the bill sent to ratepayers.

Horace J. Lightworthy, who remembers when Chapman Road had four lanes, two roadhouses, and a bloke named Barry who’d refill your tank without making eye contact, remains skeptical.

“In my day, ‘activation’ meant changing the gas bottle on your barbecue. Now it’s painting a road green and calling it tourism.”

Reporting live from one of them how ya goin' benches the muppets installed in 2023,
Horace J. Lightworthy
Editor-in-Chief, Point Moore Press, Commonwealth Department of Maritime Luminiscence