Horace J Lightworthy
Geraldton, WA — In a rare and solemn public address, WA Police mascot and GWN7 community safety ambassador Doopa Dog has announced new official bedtime guidelines for Geraldton residents, advising a strict 6PM curfew for both children and adults this winter.
“If in doubt, don’t go out,” barked Doopa in a pre-recorded segment aired during local news, which included somber xylophone music and slow-motion footage of people ducking for cover from gings. “It’s dark, it’s cold, and statistically you are now someone’s target.”
When approached by a Point Moore Press reporter for comment, Doopa Dog declined to answer questions, visibly shaken and puffing a nervous cigarette behind the Geraldton police station bins. “I’ve had the same gig for 30 years — goodnight girls and boys at 7.30pm on GWN — and now they go and switch it up on me?” he muttered. “It’s more than a dog can take.”
The updated guidelines come after several reports of “roving street gangs” in Geraldton’s suburbs, who allegedly emerge around dusk but due to no repercussions are actually active 24 hours a day.
Due to the heightened risk, Doopa has also confirmed he will no longer make personal appearances in Geraldton. A WA Police spokesperson cited “ongoing safety concerns and equipment compatibility,” noting that the standard-issue K9 body armour “fits a bit snug on Doopa, especially around the ears.”
“He’s a big-headed dog, emotionally and physically,” the spokesperson explained. “And that foam suit doesn’t breathe. He nearly passed out doing ANZAC day last year.”
Doopa’s new bedtime recommendations include locking all doors, drawing the curtains by 5:45PM, and avoiding any streets with “too many lads and not enough shirts.” The official bedtime checklist also encourages putting out bins early and leaving a decoy wallet by the letterbox “just in case.”
Parents are encouraged to tell children that the sun now sets at 4PM “thanks to daylight robbery,” and that staying up later than 6PM may result in encountering actual consequences — or at least a red P-plater doing burnouts.
While some Geraldton residents have taken issue with the early curfew, many admit Doopa has a point. “Last week I was walking home from IGA at 6:30 and someone tried to nick my onions,” said one Sunset Beach local. “Honestly thought he was joking, but then he pulled out an Old El Paso Taco Kit and said I had the missing ingredient.”
City of Greater Geraldton has backed Doopa’s recommendations, suggesting residents enjoy “indoor activities like puzzles, board games, or simply sitting in the dark pretending you’re not home.”
As for Doopa, he’s expected to continue his regional safety campaign from the safety of daylight hours and pre-approved photo ops. His next scheduled appearance will be at a secure school assembly in Bluff Point, where he’ll hand out high-vis bookmarks and reinforce his new slogan: “Stay Inside If You Dont Want to Die.”
More to come.
