Erin Patterson Beef Wellington Still Less Dodgy Than Local Pub Risotto

Erin Patterson Found Guilty, But Local Risotto Remains Greater Threat to Public Health

GERALDTON — Erin Patterson has officially been found guilty of mushroom murder, but many locals say her infamous Beef Wellington still poses less of a health risk than the seafood risotto served at certain unnamed but widely feared Geraldton pubs.

The verdict came down this week, ending months of courtroom drama, televised speculation, and national debates over just how much fungus is too much. But for seasoned Gero punters, the real crime remains the reheated prawn-and-calamari rice combo that continues to menace Friday night specials boards across the region.

“I’ve had Patterson’s Wellington described to me — it had mushrooms, beef, a bit of pastry — honestly it sounds gourmet compared to the gluggy mess I was served last week,” said local concreter Brenton, who asked not to be named in case the chef sees this and spits in his parmi.

One long-time hospitality worker, who has survived three management changes and at least one questionable lasagne, told Point Moore Press that most pub risottos in town are “just leftover arancini filling stretched with stock and regret.”

While Patterson faces a life sentence, Geraldton’s worst risotto offenders remain at large — allegedly operating industrial microwaves under the guise of a kitchen and charging $26.90 for the privilege.

“You want to talk about food crimes?” said Karloo mum of four, Tracey. “Try chewing through rubber scallops while your kid cries because the kids’ nuggets are still frozen in the middle.”

A survey conducted outside a popular Friday pub meat tray revealed that 87% of locals would rather take their chances with foraged mushrooms behind the quarry than endure another "creamy garlic seafood nightmare."

Meanwhile, health authorities remain concerned — not about the food poisoning, but the fact no one has died yet, suggesting Geraldton’s collective stomach lining may now be bulletproof.

In a show of solidarity, a new dish is being trialled at one establishment: Beef Wellington à la Patterson — served rare, mysterious, and absolutely not recommended by legal counsel.

Please Note: The Point Moore Press does not condone the use of mushrooms found near the quarry.