Geraldton Media War Escalates

Operation Flashbang: Lighthouse Siege Escalates Regional Media War
Point Moore, WA — May 1, 2025

At approximately 04:00 this morning, the Point Moore Press launched a targeted operation from the base of the Point Moore Lighthouse in what historians are already calling the most intense escalation in Geraldton’s ongoing media turf war.

Codenamed Operation Flashbang, the mission was originally conceived as a tactical distraction to rattle the Geraldton Guardian — our lesser-known, chronologically inferior local rival. However, due to a catastrophic shortage of flashbang grenades across the Mid West region, alternative measures were required.

Our reporter, armed with a shopping trolley and nothing but misplaced confidence, scoured Geraldton’s major retailers in search of flashbangs. Bunnings offered no tactical gear whatsoever even at the Special Orders desk. Supercheap Auto offered jumper leads and vague advice.

Undeterred, we improvised adapted and overcame. Our patriotic volunteers weaponised a stash of expired baked beans found inside the Lighthouse storeroom.

A total of 24 tins were lobbed with precision across the vacant land toward the Geraldton Guardian warehouse. Early reports suggest the barrage struck a forklift, a newly installed security bollard, and at least one confused intern carrying a Chiko Roll.

Though no injuries were reported, one witness described a “mild saucing event” near the Guardian’s roller door. Photos obtained by our team (via binoculars and a sketch artist) show an unmistakable smear of tomato product just beneath the “Community News Partner” sign.

The move follows years of mounting tension between the two publications, stemming from what Horace describes as “chronological supremacy.”

“We were founded in 1878. They popped up in 1906 like some kind of late-stage ulcer,” said Horace while reloading the trebuchet acquired from Rangeway earlier this week.

He also confessed that he once had access to military-grade munitions — the result of a barter deal involving a gramophone and a crate of peaches during the summer of 1921. Unfortunately, upon recent inspection, all devices had expired. One smoke bomb reportedly hissed slightly, then collapsed into dust.

While critics claim the attack was “theatrical,” “legally questionable,” and “mostly ineffective,” supporters of Point Moore Press see it as a turning point in the fight for truth, satire, and local media dominance.

In a statement issued exclusively to ourselves, Horace declared:

“They started it.”

The Geraldton Guardian has yet to issue a response. Their phone line rang out, then redirected to a voicemail message offering tips on winter pet safety.