Much Anticipated Jetty Project To Be Abandoned

Geraldton's long-awaited jetty project has been scrapped once again, following a startling engineering report that suggests the structure could reach low Earth orbit under moderate easterlies.

The latest $2.8 million concept — dubbed "Jack Jetty" — featured sustainably-sourced timber, disability access, and what engineers described as “unacceptable liftoff potential.”

“It’s not that the jetty won’t work,” said one council insider. “It’s just that we’ve seen what Ludacris did with a Pontiac in F9 — and frankly, this is far more probable.”

Preliminary testing at Separation Point showed the prototype could lift clean off its footings during sustained gusts over 45km/h. One plank was last seen crossing the Chapman Valley at 600m altitude.

In a rare joint statement, the Department of Maritime Luminescence and the Bureau of Wind Affairs agreed the jetty's current orientation acted like “a vertical glider with delusions of grandeur.”

“Unless we want a free-flying regional landmark entering Pacific airspace,” said Lighthouse Keeper Horace J. Lightworthy, “we recommend not building it. Or at least securing it with a chain and anchor to be safe.”

Council now plans to redirect funds to painting wierd coloured shapes on the asphalt of marine terrace — a project deemed “wind neutral.”