Horace J Lightworthy
GERALDTON — In a result that surprised absolutely no one, Geraldton has been voted the Mid West’s Most Liveable City for the 30th year running — narrowly beating out a collection of ghost towns, goat tracks, and historical footnotes.
Taking inspiration from Melbourne, which somehow continues to crown itself Australia’s Most Liveable City despite freezing temperatures, gridlocked traffic, and $3 million fibro cottages in Footscray, Geraldton figured it might as well jump on the same PR strategy — and invent its own competition.
Geraldton secured the title with a commanding 60 votes, while the next closest contender, Dongara, managed just 7. The rest of the list barely registered, largely due to the fact most of them no longer have postcodes or residents under the age of 93.
The Full Leaderboard (Such As It Is)
- Geraldton: 60 votes (population: ~40,000)
- Dongara: 7 votes (pending recount)
- Walkaway: 3 votes
- Bootenal: 1 vote (how????)
- Tenindewa, Yuna, Howatharra, Nolba, Gutha, Canna: 0 votes, 0 chance
“It’s always nice to win something we made up,” said Mayor Cheryl Carpenter, accepting the result during a half-full press event outside Skeetas. “We’re proud to be voted more liveable than places where even the wildlife has given up.”
Dongara: The Only Real Threat
Dongara mounted a late push, but failed to gain traction, partly due to a deep cultural distrust of computers. “We were ready to vote online,” said one local, “but then someone said words like ‘cloud’ and ‘JavaScript’ and the whole thing fell apart.”
In-person voting was also impacted when several residents assumed the polling booth was a speed camera and threw rocks at it.
Vote Incentive Scheme Under Scrutiny
The City of Greater Geraldton has denied claims that a 1% discount on rates was quietly offered in exchange for favourable votes — a move that could save ratepayers “up to $40,000 each, assuming anyone ever sees the discount actually applied.”
“It’s not a bribe,” said one councillor. “It’s just a very specific form of gratitude with a dollar sign attached.”
When asked how the city secured so many votes, another official replied: “Simple. We’re the only town in the Mid West with both fibre internet AND electricity.”
Parade Locked In, Somehow Costs $650K
The City has locked in a celebratory parade to mark the occasion, with a reported budget of $650,000. Ratepayers were assured the event would be “cost-neutral,” though it remains unclear what that means or who said it.
Confirmed parade features include:
- Imported seafood platters served in 28-degree heat
- A DJ in a cherry picker blasting deep house from above the foreshore toilet block
- Free booze “until the first incident” — estimated at 4:17pm
- A fireworks display “pending wind” and “contractor availability”
- And an official ribbon-cutting by a child
When asked about the cost, a council spokesperson responded, “You can’t put a price on civic pride — but if you did, it’d be about $650K.”
