Shark Net Plan Scrapped After Realising You’re More Likely to Be Bitten by a Local

In a development sure to disappoint swimmers, marine life enthusiasts, and those hoping to avoid tetanus at the beach, the long-anticipated Geraldton shark net has officially been cancelled — not due to environmental concerns or budget blowouts, but because of a far more pressing threat: the locals.

“Statistically, you’re now more likely to be bitten outside the water than in it,” admitted Council Safety Liaison, Sharon Frigget, during a tense press conference held at the foreshore between two active punch-ons.

The proposed shark net was set to enclose a small section of the foreshore swimming beach, offering a safe haven from the occasional passing great white. However, after reviewing recent hospital admissions, council officials noted a dramatic uptick in human-related bite incidents — many of which occurred at bottle shops, fuel stations, and once, during a community sausage sizzle gone rogue.

“It’s not about the sharks anymore,” said Mayor Rick “Skids” Mallory. “It’s about the bloke who headbutted a parking sign on Marine Terrace.”

The council has now shelved the shark net alongside another long-lost dream — the Geraldton ocean baths — both now housed in the dusty “Ideas We Pretend to Think About” folder, somewhere between “Lowering Rates” and “Oakajee Housing Estate.”

In its place, a bold new initiative: a Bogan Proof Fence. Inspired by the Rabbit Proof Fence, this high-security perimeter will stretch from Greenough to Drummond Cove and feature motion sensors, vape detectors, and loudspeakers mounted on every second pole yelling “Yeah... nah mate. Nah.” when approached.

The plan is already being trialed in Walkaway, where tourists report being turned back by a cloud of Lynx Africa and a shirtless man yelling “Its for your own protection mate”

Critics say it’s “possibly unconstitutional,” while supporters argue “it’s about bloody time.”

Local surfer Bryce “Chunk” Davidson weighed in: “I’ve never seen a shark, bro, but I’ve been glassed three times at the Sail Inn. So yeah, this tracks.

Funding originally allocated to the shark net will now go toward installing the fence.

As for safe ocean swimming? “Mate,” said one local, shirtless and yelling at seagulls, “just harden up.”