GERALDTON — As global tensions escalate and the world teeters on the brink of a third world war, Geraldton residents are reportedly sleeping like babies, comforted by the knowledge that absolutely no one — not even China — wants anything to do with them.

The uneasy calm follows a sudden uptick in hostilities in the Middle East, with US military assets mobilising with President Donald Trump publicly claiming to have “restored peace by bombing first.” Meanwhile, Europe edges closer to open conflict, and satellite imagery shows major power blocs redrawing maps in anticipation of the inevitable carve-up of land, influence, and strategic assets.

“We’re seeing huge global instability,” said one defence analyst. “But we can safely confirm no military or economic power has expressed even a passing interest in Geraldton. One Russian diplomat asked if we were near Esperance, then moved on.”

Strategic Irrelevance: Our Time to Shine

In leaked defence documents obtained by Point Moore Press, Geraldton is mentioned exactly once — as part of a joke in a footnote: *“Let them have Bunbury, no one’s fighting over Gero.”*

China has shown mild curiosity about the seafood sector, but quickly lost interest after actually meeting some locals.

The US briefly considered using Geraldton as a secondary radar post but allegedly dropped the idea after seeing our NBN speeds. One Pentagon report described the region as “a communications dead zone occupied by retired sparkies and utes held together with zip ties.”

Meanwhile, local leaders are hailing the town’s irrelevance as a triumph of passive neutrality.

“We’re not allied with anyone and no one wants to land here — it’s a win-win,” said Mayor Cheryl Carpenter. “If Russia takes Sydney and China gets Perth, we’ll still be here doing our thing.”

Locals Embrace Obscurity

Residents have been quick to embrace the upside of living in a town so strategically unappealing it might as well be on the moon.

“Mate, if the nukes start flying, Exmouth’s gone in the first five minutes,” said Spalding resident Barry “Bunger” Rowe. “All those US bases and radar domes? Gone. Meanwhile we’ll still be here arguing over why we have no bloody recycling.”

Others have begun marketing Geraldton as “World War Three-Free” — a tourism slogan targeting Perthites looking to escape the blast radius and buy coastal properties with built-in asbestos and evaporative aircon.

High Alert Nowhere to Be Seen

While the rest of the nation ramps up civil defence protocols, Geraldton has opted for a more relaxed approach. Local police have confirmed no changes to alert levels, citing the fact that any hostile invasion force would likely struggle to find parking, be stabbed outside a bottle shop, or simply give up and head to Kalbarri for lunch.

“We’d love to take Geraldton,” said one fictional Chinese general. “But we’re not dealing with that foreshore roundabout or the Woolies car park.”

Defence Minister Richard Marles was unavailable for comment, though his office did release a short statement that read, “Geraldton?”

The Safe Zone Nobody Asked For

With the world ablaze, Geraldton’s dusty mediocrity has become its greatest strength. A place too hot, too windy, and too frustrating to bother conquering.

As missiles fly over Europe and Asia, the people of Geraldton remain calm, safe, and mostly distracted by a possible second Chicken Treat opening and a sale on reverse-cycle air conditioners.

“We’ve been overlooked our whole lives,” said local historian Jan Purtill. “It’s nice to finally be overlooked again.”