Geraldton Windscreens to Build 7-Storey HQ Amid Local Glass Crisis

RANGEWAY — In what economists are calling "the biggest glass-based employment surge since the great Window Boom of 1993," Geraldton Windscreens has announced a colossal expansion, complete with a seven-storey corporate tower and a 32-bay windscreen replacement megashed in the heart of Rangeway.

The announcement comes on the back of what the company describes as “unprecedented and totally organic” demand, believed to be driven by a mysterious rise in objects hurtling toward vehicle windscreens across the Greater Geraldton area.

“Mate we got more windows than Microsoft,”

— Ray Shardley, CEO, from the back of a ute

The company, once operating out of a modest workshop in Webberton, says it is now processing over 900 windscreen replacements per day, with bookings surging after every Friday night and particularly during school holidays.

The new multi-storey headquarters will reportedly feature open-plan offices, an in-house motivational speaking auditorium, and a loyalty card department where locals can redeem their “Buy 9 Get Your 10th Pane Free” special — a rewards program that's been described as “like a coffee card, but for victims.”

Job creation is central to the plan, with 300 new positions opening immediately — including roles in administration, glazing, and “community engagement.” While no official statement has been made, insiders claim a “casual rock dispersal” program is already in quiet operation, allegedly offering short-term gigs to locals with good throwing arms and a loose moral compass.

“We don’t condone vandalism. But let’s just say we are doing our bit as a responsible local business. We support the circular economy.”

— Ray Shardley, CEO

The site of the expansion — a former paddock behind the Rangeway shopping centre — is expected to become one of the region’s busiest industrial zones, with plans for a dedicated drive-through, a fully staffed windscreen triage unit, and a mobile bottle shop.

“Look, I’m not saying anything,”

— Bev Watterson, while side-eyeing her grandson polishing a slingshot

Local reaction has been mixed. Some praised the jobs boost. Others questioned the suspiciously convenient level of windscreen demand.

“Finally, another skyscraper in town so those city folk take us seriously.”

— Mayor Casserole

In a final statement to media, Shardley denied any connection to recent spike incidents, reiterating that Geraldton Windscreens operates strictly within the bounds of WA law and “would never knowingly encourage controlled urban chaos for commercial benefit.”

Construction begins next month, with the first pane of ceremonial glass to be smashed by a VIP cricket ball in a gala event open to the public.