Retail Staff Call for Danger Pay as Geraldton Turns Full Contact
Horace J Lightworthy
The retail sector in Geraldton has officially entered its full contact era, with 14 assaults against shop staff reported so far this year and a noticeable uptick in the number of customers who interpret “tap to pay” as a combat prompt.
Local business owners are rethinking the old mantra “The customer is always right,” with many preparing to replace traditional induction training by providing riot gear at standard issue PPE paired with mandatory self-defence seminars.
“I just asked if he had a loyalty card,” said Tim, 17, from the local newsagency, sporting a spectacular shiner. “Next thing I know, it’s ‘Shape up ya dog!’ and I’m ducking haymakers over Powerball tickets.”
Barry “Bazza” Butterfield, veteran grocer, has had enough.
“Our trolley boy has a rack full of medals for war-like service and hes never left the stirlings centre.”
The Geraldton Chamber of Commerce is reportedly holding emergency meetings, with agenda items including:
“Fitted Tasers at Point of Sale”
“Chainmail For Uniforms: Pros and Cons”
“De-escalation Techniques That Still Let You Win”
Staff are calling for danger pay for entry-level roles, arguing that its higher risk work serving someone in Geraldton than it is working on a mine site or an oil rig.
Meanwhile, schools will introduce compulsory martial arts training from Year 4 under a new pilot program designed to prepare kids for their first job.
“If it takes six cops to restrain one guy on a bender, what hope do our kids have?” asked one parent. “It’s the same logic as putting them on mopeds—our most inexperienced drivers on the most unprotected vehicles, armed only with L-plates and blind confidence.”
Sergeant Brenda McMillan offered cautious support for the school-based approach.
“We understand retail is increasingly frontline. But we advise against implementing ‘retail rumble’ protocols immediately. Maybe start with de-escalation. Then, if needed, tasers and cattle prods—standard escalation curve.”
The government, for its part, insists this is all part of building “resilient communities".
More to come.
