P.P King
Utakarra, WA — In a crushing blow to affordable vegetables and bulk frozen lasagna, plans to build Geraldton’s first Spudshed have been delayed indefinitely after the City Council voted to prioritise “a more culturally appropriate facility” — namely, a new bottleshop.
The proposed site, located in scenic Utakarra — often referred to in real estate brochures as "The Jewel of the Town" and in police reports as "active" — was expected to bring jobs, fresh produce, and cheaper croissants to the region. Instead, a 24-hour alcohol megamart will now break ground next month, pending liquor licence approval and some token community consultation nobody plans to attend.
Spudshed founder and Perth cult figure Tony Galati was reportedly “shaken” by the news, seen removing a single tear with a potato sack. Sources say he is now reconsidering the Geraldton expansion altogether following the release of a damning report into local retail conditions — most notably, the fact that Woolworths Geraldton only posted $53 in annual profit last year due to self-checkout theft.
“Between nicked avocados and people scanning bourbon as brown onions, it’s just not sustainable,” the report reads. “We had to start chaining the rotisserie chickens.”
The council defended its decision, with one councillor stating, “At the end of the day, a town like Geraldton needs to focus on what it does best: passive aggression, window tinting, and casual day drinking. We can’t risk gentrification.”
Locals appear divided on the outcome. “Bit devo, aye,” said one resident. “Spudshed would’ve been mad — cheap fruit, giant tubs of yoghurt, those $4.99 family pizzas the size of car tyres. But hey, a bottle-o's a bottle-o.”
Meanwhile, real estate agents are already preparing to rebrand the location from “future community hub” to “boutique cellar door experience,” despite it being next to a skip bin and a dog grooming trailer with no wheels.
Asked for comment, Galati issued a short statement from a regional BP: “We tried to bring spuds. They want spirits. Maybe I need to get into the vodka game.”
Construction of the new bottleshop is expected to begin within weeks. Early designs show a drive-thru window, LED discount board, and 26 designated “vaping zones.”
P.P King reporting for the Point Moore Press
