Horace J Lightworthy
GERALDTON — Over sixty years since releasing his chart-topping hit The Wanderer, 1960s crooner-turned-local-menace Dion Hilly is still living up to his name — mostly by aimlessly pacing the Geraldton CBD, shouting at pigeons, and throwing left hooks at outdated telecommunications infrastructure.
Once a jukebox icon and teen heartthrob, Hilly’s fall from grace has been less graceful exit and more Centrelink soap opera meets bare-knuckle urban myth. After decades of “wandering” exclusively around Geraldton, Hilly was officially banned from the CBD in 2011 — a legal directive he’s largely ignored, citing “creative differences with the magistrate.”
While most washed-up celebs fade into obscurity, Hilly chose a different path: violent public tantrums.
Updated Fight Record
- Payphones: 31 wins – 1 loss – 2 draws
- Women & the Elderly: 19 wins – 1 loss (reportedly to a 76-year-old woman with a metal walking stick)
- People Who Fight Back: 13 wins – 238 losses – 0 draws
That brings his career total to 63 wins, 240 losses, and 2 draws — widely believed to be the worst combat record of any musician-turned-vagrant in the Southern Hemisphere.
“He’s the only bloke I’ve seen shadowbox a Telstra booth and lose,” said local truckie Ray Gleeson. “And that booth didn’t even have a receiver.”
Despite the staggering loss count, Hilly insists he’s misunderstood. “I’m a lover, not a fighter,” he yelled at no one in particular while swinging a full Coles bag at a street sign.
Dion’s opponents are typically non-responsive infrastructure or vulnerable pedestrians. He has never won an altercation against someone who squared up or made eye contact.
“If you confront him,” said one local security guard, “he either crumbles, flees, or starts crying about childhood trauma and record deals gone wrong. But he’ll absolutely king-hit a pensioner enjoying a muffin.”
Though Hilly frequently blames mental health issues, the community has grown cynical.
“He knows what he’s doing,” said resident Marg Truscott. “He only goes psycho when there’s no one his size around. And he always vanishes right before the cops show up.”
Official Bans
- The Geraldton CBD
- Public toilets
- Every single IGA
- The Horizon Pipe
- And from “ever singing The Wanderer again at karaoke”
A proposed CBD Danger Watch app — designed to crowdsource real-time Hilly sightings — was scrapped after beta testers confirmed he somehow kept teleporting between Chicken Treat and the foreshore without using his legs.
Telstra’s Unexpected Hero
“Honestly, he’s saving us heaps,” admitted one regional contractor. “We are slowly decommissioning them anyway and it’s way easier to take the payphone to the tip on the back of the ute when it’s already been pieced up for twelve rounds of Queensberry.”
When asked what comes next, Hilly told the magistrate he’s “he's working on new material.”
Residents are advised not to engage. Instead, local authorities recommend playing Runaround Sue at medium volume. Hilly reportedly flees within twelve seconds.
